Mom Help: “My 4yo has become super manipulative, what do we do?”

I came across a post on the popular social site Reddit.com and thought I would dedicate an article to addressing a common frustration that parents of toddlers experience.

Here’s a screenshot of the post: I’ve removed the username for privacy purposes:

Clearly this parent is experiencing a lot of stress, and while she (I’m going to just assume this is a mother) believes the behavior her child exhibits is a “natural part of growing up”, she has absolutely no clue of how to handle the situation. This begs the question, if the behavior of her 4 year old child is a natural phase, how then is her ability to handle it feel so unnatural to the point at which she’s seeking help on the internet?

Before I answer this, she responded in the comments with some more information that will help us piece together the situation.  Here’s the screenshot:

Before we dive deeper, let’s quickly recap:

1. Mother works frequently and is not able to see her child anywhere near as much as she’d like.
2. When mother and child come together, there’s a lot of temper tantrums.
3. Mother believes her child manipulates her with bad behavior and wanting to be with her at night time.

First I will tackle the issue of “I say no, and he says he’ll just cry all day”

Stop Saying No

This is a really tough one for most parents to get, even for myself and my husband.  I wrote an article that specifically addresses this topic and I encourage everyone to read it here:
Stop Saying NO! Save Your Breath and Your Sanity

Of course we have to use common sense here, but as I point out in that article; most of the time when we tell our toddlers to “No”, or to stop doing something, it’s trivial. My husband and I have experienced this first hand with our toddler. When we made a conscious effort to question ourselves every time we were trying to control our toddler, or prevent her from doing something, we found that a large majority of the time, we were addressing our preferences over hers. Here’s a quote from the article that points this out very well:

For instance, this morning my husband put his shoes on to get the mail.  It’s winter now and it snowed 10+ inches the night before.  My toddler who just turned three wanted to go out with him.  He said “No, it’s too cold; you don’t have shoes and you’re not dressed warm enough.”  She didn’t want to comply, she wanted to come and she started to yell.  I got a nearby blanket, covered her up and told him to carry her.  He did.  Guess what?  She was happy and the potential toddler meltdown was avoided.

The amazing thing about this story, while seemingly  so uncontroversial and unsubstantial , is that he recognized that it felt second nature to tell her “No.” I’m guilty of it too.  Children value their person-hood and freedom as much as us adults do, and this is something that most parents do not consider.  It’s the source of most disputes that occur in the parent-child hierarchy.

Once we understand that we do not have to control our children, a lot less fighting and crying will occur. So this is the first thing that I would say to the parent this article is directed towards.

Children Are Allowed To Get Mad

This section is directed towards the quote, “Throws huge fits when things don’t go his way.” When a child throws a temper tantrum, it’s not because they’re being bad, or because they’re a spoiled brat, or because they’re being manipulative. The answer is more scientific than most understand. It’s because of an underdeveloped PFC (Pre Frontal Cortex), which is an area of the brain that’s responsible for processing and controlling emotion. I’ve written about this more in depth in my article 5 Ways of How Not To Deal With Temper Tantrums. In short, the PFC is not fully developed until we’re 25 years old. It’s why toddlers throw temper tantrums, and it’s also why teenagers frequently exhibit a wide spectrum of emotions. The inability to process and cope with emotions is why children throw huge fits. They’re having a hard time understanding their emotions; so they cry, scream, and throw fits when even the smallest things don’t go their way.

It’s an entirely natural emotional response. You cannot get rid of temper tantrums and fits. Certainly, you can cut down on them through parenting by addressing their needs and preferences as mentioned in the previous section, but you won’t get rid of them.  When your child is throwing a huge fit, the best thing you can do is to help them through it. Put yourself in their shoes. Definitely do not ignore it, because that tells children that their emotions aren’t important and their parents don’t care. It’s tough, you have to grit your teeth, but letting them know you’re there for them is the best approach you can take. Not hitting, spanking, screaming, distracting or ignoring.

Children and Touch

He even has started faking bad dreams in his sleep (he tells me the next morning) to get me to come in and lay with him

This is a tough pill to swallow for many parents, particularly here in the US. There’s a belief that children are to sleep in their own beds in their own room, as early as humanly possible. The problem with this mentality is that it goes against human nature. It’s natural for our children to want to be with us, especially at night time. Thousands of years ago, for thousands upon thousands of years, families slept together as a means of survival and protection. The longing that babies and children have to want to be close to their mothers during night time is not some strange, unexplainable anomaly. And it’s certainly not because they’re being bad or manipulative.

They want to be with their mother. They want to feel safe and they want to be close. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this. Especially given this particular case where the mother isn’t around much due to work. Nothing bad will happen if you sleep with your toddler. They won’t end up as teenagers in your bed for a life time.

What’s really happening

“I think”, being the keyword here. I disagree. You can never “spoil” a baby or a toddler with touch or love. Children typically rebel more when they’re placed under strict authoritarian rule. The first problem, which in some cases is unavoidable is the work issue. When a parent or both have to work, the parent and child suffer. The biggest impact this mother can make to improve their relationship and his attitude is to abandon the idea that her child must be disciplined. At 4 years old, when her son sees her come home from work, he wants nothing more than to just be with her. So much so that he wants to sleep with her. Why deny that? He wants to avoid conflict as much as his mother does; but because of his underdeveloped PFC, temper tantrums and fits are to be expected. The last thing you want to do in response is treat him as though he’s being bad.

They both love each other and they both want to be together. I say make the most out of it by approaching every situation with love and understanding. Not by parenting through preconceived notions that a child must be disciplined and must {x, y, and z}. If the author of the reddit page reads this, I will guarantee you that your child is not going to run rampant and wild if you heed my advice, in fact you will find the opposite will occur.

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